Reminiscing. A Mommy's Take on the 1st Birthday.

Today I was putting clean sheets on our bed and I thought back to a year ago.  Something I find myself doing a lot lately.  A year ago my sister was putting clean sheets on our bed, prepping the house for our return.  We were still in the hospital, recovering and getting acquainted with our new little bundle.

My current state of reminiscing has caused me to slow down and soak in the last year.  All the changes.  How far we've come.  Asher has gone from an itty bitty, swaddled in my arms to a little boy, walking everywhere, eating solid foods and constantly trying out new words.  As a momma I've gone from being completely clueless and vulnerable to being comfortable with being completely clueless and vulnerable.

Such growth.  Such a year of discovery.  When we had Asher I had no idea where we would be in a year.  I couldn't fathom it.  It was such unknown territory.  Now I feel like I've climbed a mountain and I'm at the top, enjoying the view.  While I realize this was the first of many climbs, I hope I never forget to stop and soak in the journey.

Needing to Surrender

People, especially moms, say nothing can prepare you for parenthood. The highs and lows are fierce, the anxiety is like nothing else and control - at a time when you think you should have it - is not in your hands.

That last one seems to be what makes the roller coaster such a wild ride. Could you handle the highs and lows knowing that in the end you could control your feelings or the outcome? Could you brush off the anxiety by assessing and fixing the very things that cause such torture?

Control is not mine, it's with God. I thought I lived my life by this until we got pregnant. In the midst of such a miracle I couldn't control the outcome of this baby and his life that lay ahead and I was so uncomfortable. Why couldn't I leave it with Him? My weakness was exposed.

Then Asher arrived. I thought having him here would at least make things tangible and I might find peace. It was just the opposite. Add in a dash of hormones and the roller coaster just became more intense, at times feeling like it's out of control...I went from exposed to stripped yet I still can't render control to Him.

I can write it down - give it to Him and I will find peace - but can I really live it? This is my challenge.

Giving Thanks - This one's on me

I started this post in my mind two weeks ago when I stepped off a plane. I was coming home from work in Grand Junction. This would be the last time I de-board for quite awhile and it was almost surreal.

Many of you know that I travel for work. I've done this consistently for the past three years. Some months it's a lot, some months it's a little. But in reality, any travel for work takes a toll on your personal life. It's time away from your loved-ones, out of your normal route, sleeping in a different bed, breathing different air. When you get home it takes time to recover. Shower off the travel dust, put away your travel things, sleep off the different life you've been living. In a couple of days you're back to your familiar life. One that's normal.

So why do all this? It's a good question, one that I ponder almost everytime I leave. I kiss my sweet husband goodbye, pray to God that our time apart will be quick and that He keeps us safe and with a deep breath, I walk away. While I'm away time moves quickly. I stay busy, feel accomplished in what I'm doing and even make some friends along the way. I grow, I learn, I'm independent. This is my internal struggle.

As I headed over to claim my luggage I thought about all this. I considered how far I've come in my career and how at this moment I'm getting the opportunity to pause and reflect. I considered the price that has been paid to get me here. And that's when I realized just how thankful I am. My husband let's me fly each time I walk out the door. He tells me much how much he loves me, how much he'll miss me and how he can't wait for me to come home. While I'm away we'll count down the days til I return over emails and text messages. But all the while he's encouraging me to go. To grow. To learn. To achieve. Completely selfless. Never once asking me to stay. Never asking me to change my course. I'm no fool - as much as Austin will hunker down and focus on other things while I'm away his giddy dimenor when I return can't be hidden. He holds me close, smiles so bright and has even been known to shed a tear of joy upon my return.

Because of him I've achieved lengths I never thought possible or even had the courage to dream. I am thankful for this man. He has given me so much, more than I've ever asked for.

So I picked up my luggage, walked to the car and drove home. I haven't a clue what the future will truly hold. There are few things that are certain and I will cling to those. As for the rest, I'm just thankful I have Austin by my side.